How did I get here?

I was talking software development topics with one of my younger sisters recently, lamenting recent losses and pondering on how I might turn them towards victory. The topic of conversation turned when she asked, “How did you get here?” Confused, I responded, “How did I get here?”

“How did you get to be so good at this?” was what she meant to ask. At the time, I gave her the best answer I could. I worked hard. I’m competitive. I want to understand things as best I can because I have always wanted to be great at what I do. Blah blah blah. It was a lot of the usual same old same old I might tell any developer looking for guidance. Put in some determination, set some goals, compare yourself to others around you and find those you admire. Once you find someone you admire, even briefly, you can figure out the difference between yourself and them. It’s a standard practice out of an emotional intelligence playbook which I learned years ago.

But the question has stuck with me these last few days because… I couldn’t think of anyone alive in the industry whom I would categorize as a role model against whom I was measuring myself. Effectively all of the technical leaders in software these days are abysmal creatures of one variety or another, leaching off of venture capital to push forward uncaring strategies in sucking up as much money as they can without regard for whether they’re building the right technologies the world needs. When I was young, I wanted to be a game developer and it’s the reason I have a bachelor’s degree in the topic. I grew up admiring game directors like Hideo Kojima who could create a amazing stories with powerful messages - I have long since dismissed Kojima-san as a role model for his own problematic behavior though I still recommend Metal Gear Solid as a landmark game.

In a similar moment not too long ago my mom asked me, “how did you ever learn to speak the way you do?” What she meant was that the way she and I communicate are, in many ways, drastically different. She’s a classic New England mother; punchy, dramatic, straight to the point except when she isn’t. I was that when I was younger, but nowadays I measure that punchiness. I use specific terminology to make points and to fight for my views. I communicate often by sharing lessons, perspectives, and challenging people to expand their frame of mind or perspective. Where did I get this from?

I haven’t been schooled by the smartest people in the world. And while I love my friends and family, I don’t think it’d be fair to say they’re world leading communicators. I read a lot, true, and some of that contributes to simply the number of words I know or the variations of communication styles with which I’m familiar.

And then, as I was rewatching one of my favorite shows, Stargate SG-1, it hit me. The answer to both questions at once. I admire, I reach for, and I try to be like the fictional heroes I grew up with. There are many shows or movies or books I could likely pull from, but Stargate SG-1 is consistently full of characters and topics which were always and to some degree still are, ahead of me. Daniel Jackson, played by Michael Shanks, the archaeologist who is always fighting for what is right even when it means putting himself at risk. Samantha Carter, played by Amanda Tapping, the genius scientist who pushes harder than any other technical person in the show to understand how things work and comes up with creative solutions to nearly any problem. Teal’c, played by Christopher Judge, the honor bound, self-aware warrior who values his friends and his identity and upon whom I could write literal pages. Even Cameron Mitchell, played by Ben Browder, the late season show lead who displays an intensity and a willingness to fight that I’ve never seen replicated on TV elsewhere.

These are all people I reach to be in my every day. But… it’s not just enough to reach and I think that’s part of the reason this question stuck with me. I know lots of people who reach and either succeed or fail. When they succeed: great! Obviously. When they fail, however, it comes with a risk of failing and being stuck for a long time, if not permanently. I’ve experienced this myself. You, dear reader, likely have as well. I’ve reached and pushed myself to be as good as real or fictional individuals whom I admired and then failed. That failure led me, and some of those I’ve observed, to consider the goal to be too far. To be too unrealistic. Which, fair.

I mean, Amanda Tapping is an actor. Her character’s dialogue is written by someone else for the large majority of her work. Her work to bring the character into reality is remarkable, but Samantha Carter is not real. Is it practical for me to reach for that level of effectiveness or greatness? Realistically, no. Samantha Carter has saved a fictional Earth many, many times. I… have not done that even once. And I’m certainly not in a position of power or prestige where anyone would even be looking to me if it came up.

But I don’t reach just for fantasy. I don’t admire these fictional heroes or some real world individuals and think, “I’m gonna be a (insert grand label) some day.” These role models, whoever they might be, might be some grand icons but I still think of them as people. This isn’t the simplistic “Barack Obama puts on his pants one leg at a time just like you do” (although, come on, the former President does do some stuff the same way we do). It’s more than that. Those people we admire took steps to get to where they’ve been. They had hobbies and full time jobs and finances to manage and decisions to make on dinner each night.

I’ve been in software for 14 and a half years at this point. At multiple times in my career I’ve asked myself, “why is this asshat a director/manager/VP while I’m stuck as an engineer with little power over this situation?” In particular I’ve asked those questions when the age gap between myself and them was just a few years because that is when it’s harder to chalk the gap up to simple things like favoritism or the lack of certain morals. Instead, what I’ve resolved it to is that they’ve simply had different opportunities than I have. And I’ve seen this for myself with some of my peers or former coworkers. And, if I look in the right places, I can see some of those examples in my past as well.

I’ve known engineers who got put onto the right project which launched them into positions of prestige or into even grander opportunities. I’ve seen great engineers get stuck in awful situations and be underappreciated until they decided it was time to leave. I’ve seen folks continuously try different types of opportunities and simply keep pushing and pushing and pushing until they land something that makes them happy. The consistent piece through it all is simply that they’re taking steps and motivating themselves. Those who didn’t achieve their goals or didn’t make progress lacked ambition and I’ve seen folks like that miss out on otherwise great opportunities. As the old saying goes, “success is when preparedness meets opportunity.”

Being prepared means taking steps forward even if it means only making a little progress. Moving forward requires having a goal even if that goal feels distant and impossibly far away some times. Having a goal means it needs to feel real enough to attain.

Going back to role models, I don’t see fictional characters as that distant because what I am really reaching for are the parts of them I want to be like. Teal’c’s quiet strength and determination. Daniel Jackson’s implacable nature of pushing for what’s good and right. Samantha Carter’s focus and faith in knowing there’s a solution out there waiting to be found. I know these traits are real. They came from someone’s imagination or experience. I’ve mimicked some of them long enough that they’ve become real. I’ve seen them exemplified in other people.

These fictional characters have given me examples I can look for in the world. Samantha Carter is fiction, but I read about and see real scientists in the world doing incredible work just like (ok, not blowing up suns, but we won’t hold that against anyone). When I look at problems I’m solving, I can look at the amazing work being done elsewhere and know real people kind of like me are solving them. And if they can solve those huge problems, then surely I can find a way through whatever I’m working on.

And I know they’re real people, with real preparedness and real opportunities. I don’t have all of those same opportunities but I know they’re real and not imagined. I know they can happen and I know the people they’re happening to still have to figure out what to get for lunch tomorrow or pay an electric bill (unless they have it set to auto pay, I guess).

And if they can do it, then maybe I can be prepared enough one day for when the next opportunity comes looking for me. So I guess that’s how I got here. I’m doing everything I can to be as good as I can because I know someday those skills will be needed and maybe, just maybe, it means I can help blow up a sun or something cool.